Why I Stopped "Helping"
I used to say, “I help people become their best selves.” It sounded right at the time—I meant well, after all. But the more I said it, the more it felt off.
Helping implies a power imbalance. It suggests I know something you don’t, that I have the answers, and you need them from me. That’s not how I see leadership, coaching, or human potential.
So I stopped saying help and started saying partner instead.
Because words matter. The way we talk about our relationships—whether as leaders, coaches, or colleagues—shapes how we show up.
The Words We Use Shape Connection
Research backs this up. Linguistic framing (how we phrase things) influences how people perceive themselves and their roles. Studies show that people feel more empowered and capable when they are positioned as equals in language. (Sage Journals)
In leadership, this plays out in real ways:
When we say partner, we see people as capable, strong, and full of potential.
When we say help, we subtly reinforce the idea that we’re the expert and they need us.
And here’s the kicker—when we help, we often stop really listening. We jump in with solutions. We lead from what we think is best. But when we partner, we stay open. We trust. We ask better questions.
Power Dynamics and Real Connection
Think about the best relationships in your life. The ones where you feel seen, respected, and valued. Are they built on someone constantly helping you? Probably not. They’re built on mutual trust, on walking side by side.
This shift in language does something powerful:
It creates real connection because no one feels “less than.”
It builds trust because people own their growth.
It strengthens collaboration because we’re in it together.
If Not "Help," Then What?
If partner doesn’t fit in a certain context, here are some other words that keep the power balanced:
💡 Collaborate – Working together as equals
💡 Co-create – Building something together
💡 Walk alongside – Sharing the journey
💡 Sounding Board – Offering perspective while respecting their path
💡 Champion – Believing in someone’s potential
Notice what these words do? They focus on them, not us.
Ask, Don’t Assume
Here’s something else I’ve learned: Partnership isn’t one-size-fits-all.
Over time, the way we partner with someone shifts. In a long-term relationship—whether it’s mentor-mentee, coach-coachee, leader-team member, or peer-to-peer—the needs aren’t always the same.
Sometimes, my clients want me to be the curious thinker. Other times, the thought-provoker. Some days, they need me to be direct and sharp, and other times, they need the calm, grounding voice. The key? I don’t assume—I ask.
When we truly partner, we check in and ask: How do you want me to walk alongside you right now? because real partnership isn’t about imposing what we think is best—it’s about discovering it together.
What can you learn if you ask them?
I invite you to experiment with this: Over the next week, notice the words others use when they ask for a partnership. What is their need? What can you learn if you ask them?
How do you describe the way you work with others? What words feel right for you? And when was the last time you asked someone how they wanted you to partner with them?
